home * fandoms * firefly * bottom WARNING: If you haven't read the warning on the index page, go back and read it. If you don't, and you don't like what you find here, don't come crying to me. Title: Off the Map Author: Eleanor K. Fandom: Firefly Pairing: Mal/Simon Rating: PG Posted: 10 Feb 2003 Spoilers: Objects in Space Email: emungere@gmail.com The series: Fuzzy, Tokens, Intersections, The Widening Gyre, The Empty Sky, No Quarter, Off the Map. Disclaimer: Non nobis, Joss, non nobis; sed nomini tuo da gloriam. Warnings: none. Notes: Many thanks to Cabiria for beta reading, with apologies for the continued lack of a nekkid Jayne, with or without tiara. ..___.. Mal is starting to feel like a voyeur. Honestly, he'd just wanted to get out of the infirmary; he hadn't meant to overhear. But he did, and he is. Simon and Kaylee are sitting together on the couch. The lights are down low, so it must be late. Mal doesn't know how long he slept. He cherishes a faint hope that he is still dreaming. He doesn't want this to be real. "I'm leaving," Simon tells Kaylee. "I mean, we both are. River and I. We have to." Kaylee is shaking her head, reaching out to take Simon's hands. "No, Simon, no. You can't... Why? We need you." "I have to." Simon's hands rest in Kaylee's. He lets his head fall forward, and she bends down, too, their foreheads almost touching. "I thought it would be different. I thought..." "What?" Kaylee asks softly. "I suppose I thought we'd just be living here. Just sharing space, but it's not like that. Everything spills over." Kaylee takes her hands away. "Do you hate it that much here? I... I thought you were at least getting used to it." "It's not that," Simon says at once. He takes her hand in both of his, and Mal can't help thinking how much Simon has changed. When he first came on board, Simon never reached out to anyone. "I like it here. I do. But...it's not the safest place. And none of you deserve to be saddled with our problems, either." "You're one of us. Your problems are our problems." "It can't be like that. It's just... It's not right." "I don't want to you to leave." She sounds as if she's nearly in tears. "And I don't want to, but I don't know what else to do." "Simon..." Kaylee tips her head, angling for a kiss, and Mal thinks she'll get away with it, but at the last second Simon pulls back. "I can't." "Why not? I just don't understand you at all." She looks away. "If you're leaving anyway, you could at least kiss me goodbye." "I don't want to hurt you." She looks back at him. "Well, you are, Simon Tam. This isn't respect, this is just--" "I'm in love with the captain." "Oh." Both Kaylee and Mal say it at the same time, Mal's lips forming the word silently as Kaylee speaks it for him. "Oh," she says again. "You... Mal?" "Yes. I'm sorry. I didn't know how to tell you." Simon sighs. "It seems easier now." Mal can't listen any more. If Kaylee's going to cry over this, he doesn't want to know. He lies back down on the bench, looking up at the ceiling. He hears footsteps, sees shapes by the door, and closes his eyes. "I could stay with them," Kaylee says. "It's all right. Zoe was with them for a while, and I got some sleep. I'm fine." There is a pause. "I'm sorry." "You can't help it." "I'm still sorry." "You should stay. Everyone would miss you." "I can't." "Just think about it. Please? Don't decide before morning." He hears Simon sigh. "All right. In the morning. Sleep well." "Good night." Mal watches through slitted eyes as Simon sits on a stool between the bench and the exam table where Wash lies, unconscious or sedated. Simon spins slowly around and ends up facing Mal. "You're awake," Simon says. "Yeah." "You heard that, then?" "That you're leaving? Yeah, I heard." "Good. One less person to tell." "One less person to tell? That's all you can say?" "What did you want me to say? I'm leaving. Does it really matter how you found out?" "You should have told me first." "Why?" That stops him. There is no reason. No reason at all Simon should have told him first. He'd like there to be. There would have been if he'd had the guts to say something. He thinks of sitting by Simon's bed, watching him sleep the night that Early shot him. He should have stayed until Simon woke up. It wouldn't have been so hard then. Now, he thinks it may be impossible. Simon's eyes are so distant, with a touch of that arrogance that used to be his customary expression. "Simon--" He wants to look away, shrug his shoulders, let it go, but he can't do that. He stares into Simon's eyes with words caught in his throat, knowing this will be his last chance, suspecting it's already too late. There is silence between them for a long time, and Mal keeps expecting Simon to give up, lose patience, walk away, but he doesn't. "I don't want you to go." He's not used to hearing himself sound like this, so quiet, so unsure. Not even when he's scared. Especially not when he's scared. "There wasn't any reason you should've told me first. I never gave you one." "No. You didn't." "I wanted to." "Not enough, apparently." The words hang in the air. Simon looks away for a second. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for." "No. It wasn't. I know I made a mess of this. I just... I don't know how to fix it." "I'm leaving, Mal." Simon's voice is sad. "It's too late to fix it. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be." "I hate it when people say crap like that. There is no 'meant to be.' There's only what you can make happen for yourself." "Then maybe we just couldn't make this happen." Mal breathes out a laugh, and it tastes bitter. "You couldn't make it happen all by yourself, that's for sure." He passes a hand over his battered face, aware of Simon's waiting silence. "You were so patient. I never understood why you were so damned patient with me." Simon's lips curve in a sad smile. "I thought it would be worth it. If you could..." "Yeah. If I could. But I waited too long." He sighs. "I thought it was a bad idea. Bad for both of us. For you, mostly." "I guessed that much." "You were right. I am an idiot." "I won't disagree with you." Simon stands and nods to Wash. "I should check on River. Can you watch him for a minute?" "Sure." But Mal's eyes are not on Wash. He's watching Simon walk away from him, hands in his pockets, head slightly bent. He can't shake the feeling, foolish as it is, that if he lets Simon go now, he'll never see him again. "Wait!" The word just slips out, and Mal is left standing without ever planning to get to his feet. Simon turns back, frowning slightly. "Mal? What--" Three quick steps and Mal stands in the doorway with Simon, gripping his shoulders. He finds himself looking into surprised blue eyes, feels his mouth opening with no idea what will come out. Nothing does at first. He takes Simon's hands in his own, feeling their warmth, feeling his grip returned. "Don't leave me," he says. "Mal..." Simon sounds shocked. "I ought to keep my mouth shut and make it easy for you, but I can't. I'm asking. Stay. Give me another chance." He searches Simon's eyes without knowing what he's looking for. "I don't know if I can do this, but I swear to you, I will try." "Mal..." "Could you say something other than my name here? It ain't imparting as much information as I'd like." Simon's quick smile at that fades almost immediately. "I'm not leaving because of you." "Then why?" "River." "But she's been better, hasn't she? Saved all our asses just last night." He looks around at the darkened hall. "Or whenever it was." "She is. That's not it." "Then what? You need something else for her medicine? We'll get it." He can hear how desperate he sounds, and it makes him cringe inwardly. People take advantage of desperation. But not Simon, he reminds himself. Simon wouldn't do that to him. To his surprise, he finds he actually believes that. "Not medicine." Mal opens his mouth again, but Simon cuts him off. "Look, it doesn't matter, all right? It's nothing you can fix. I have to go." "I won't make it easy on you." Some warmth creeps into Simon's eyes at last. "I'm not sure I'd want you to." Mal feels Simon's hands tighten around his own, and the next words are so quiet he barely catches them. "It would have hurt so much more to walk away thinking you never cared at all." "I did. I do. I wish..." "What?" "Wish I'd done this right from the beginning." Zoe was right. He shouldn't have been worrying about what he deserved; he should have been worrying about what Simon deserved. Maybe, for that at least, it's not too late. If Simon doesn't hate him after all this, maybe it's not too late at all. Hope. Simon has always brought him hope. "We'll be on Persephone in two days." He watches Simon's face carefully. "Let me take you to dinner." Simon's mouth works soundlessly for a moment. Mal can see the thoughts as they flicker across his face. "Like...on a date?" "Yeah. I'll wear a suit and try not to be an asshole." "A date?" Simon is staring at him. "A date. Flowers, candles, crap like that. Come on, Simon, I know you're familiar with the concept." "But...you can't." "Why not?" "Because you're you!" Simon stutters a bit. "I, I'm sorry, Mal, I just can't picture it. I would have been willing to bet you'd never so much as bought a girl flowers in your entire life. Or a guy," he adds quickly. "Well, you'd be right there. And you can expect me to make a mess of it, I'll warn you right now. First time and all. But I'll try." Simon tilts his head. "First time?" "It's a complicated business," Mal says seriously. "Choosing flowers, getting the suit pressed, not to mention getting into the damned thing, which I can tell you I ain't looking forward to. Talking to snooty waiters and getting reservations. Never was anyone I'd go to all that trouble for. Never anyone but you." Simon's eyes are suspiciously bright. He blinks and looks away. "You don't have to wear the suit." "Oh, no. If I'm going to do this, I'll do it right." "I really don't need flowers." Mal lets go of Simon's hands to tip his face up, stroking a thumb over one flushed cheek. "Maybe I need to buy them for you," he says quietly. "Is that a yes?" Simon steps in close and leans toward him. "Yes." The relief is a physical thing, spreading through Mal's body in warm, calming tendrils until he is looking at Simon with what has to be the sappiest smile he's ever had on his face. He'd like to kiss Simon now, possibly never stop, but it feels too presumptuous. He takes Simon's hands again instead, brushing his lips across the back of each. Then Simon pulls one hand away to tug on Mal's shoulder, pulling him nearer. Simon tips his face up, and Mal leans down, accepting the clear invitation, nearly close enough now to-- "Um, before you two go any further," Wash croaks, "thought you might like to know I'm kind of awake here." Simon starts a little, but Mal rests a hand at his waist, keeping him close. "Wash?" "Yeah, Mal?" "Shut up." Simon is looking at him with mixed horror and amusement, and Mal can feel his own face growing hot. He ignores it. Simon's breath shudders across his mouth as their lips meet. Mal closes his eyes for a second. It's been too long. "Aw, that's sweet," Wash says. "If I could move my hands, I'd applaud. Doc, why can't I move my hands?" "The anesthetic sometimes has a paralytic effect when you first wake up--" Mal kisses him again, unable to resist. "It...ah..." "The anesthetic," Wash prompts. "Should wear off in a few minutes," Simon finishes breathlessly. "So you two are going on a date, huh? That's nice. I remember my first date with Zoe." "Wash, did I not tell you to shut up?" "She was so beautiful, had on this slinky dress...or no, she didn't, that was just this dream I was having. Green and slinky. Spaghetti straps. Mmm..." "Wash--" "With her hair all piled up and her neck bare..." Mal looks at Simon. "Can't you dope him again or something?" *** Mal is sitting in the pilot's seat on the bridge, staring into the black. Zoe comes in and sits beside him. "I hear you asked him out," she says. "Yeah." "Hard to believe." Mal snorts. "You're telling me." "I even heard tell there's going to be flowers involved." "That husband of yours has a big mouth. Figure there's anyone on this boat he hasn't told yet?" "Well...the preacher's still sleeping, so I'd guess he's still in the dark. Probably." "Jayne, too, huh?" he asks, already knowing the answer. "Jayne, too," Zoe says with unpardonable enjoyment. "Wonderful." He can just imagine the ribbing he's going to take for this from Jayne--from everyone, but it bugs him more from Jayne. Maybe because Jayne's the only one on the ship he couldn't beat the crap out of if he decided he really wanted to. "Can't ever go smooth, can it?" he asks the stars. "My man's a lot nicer than you are, Captain. He won't make you suffer near as much as you did when he was after me." Funny how that reassurance came out sounding so much like a threat. Mal sighs. "You're just enjoying the hell out of this, aren't you? No pity at all." "Wouldn't have lasted long around you if I was a soft touch." "I'm not that bad," he grumbles, appalled to hear it come out sounding like a question. "Not for me to judge," Zoe says. "Reckon that's the doc's job now." Mal closes his eyes and swears under his breath. Two days until they get to Persephone and already he feels just about sick with nerves. He doesn't need the thought of Simon passing judgment on his sorry life thrown into the mix. "What kind of flowers?" Zoe asks suddenly. He glances over at her, but she gives every indication of being serious. "Since when do you care about that stuff?" "What stuff is that?" "Girl stuff," he says without thinking. She just looks at him. "Is it too late to take that back?" "You don't screw up small, do you, sir?" He rubs his eyes and looks out at the stars again. "You know what I meant. Flowers. Slinky dresses, green or otherwise." "Green?" she asks warily. "My life ain't the only thing Wash can't keep it shut about." "That was pretty smug for a guy who doesn't know what kind of flowers to buy his boyfriend." Boyfriend? *Boyfriend*? He knows he's gaping, but doesn't quite know how to stop. Zoe is chuckling quietly, and that doesn't help. At last, he regains the power of speech and puts her straight about one thing at least. "I do too know what kind of gorram flowers I'm getting him." She snorts. "Nice comeback, sir." "Oh, screw you." "Same to you," she says cheerfully. There is silence for a moment while Mal stews in his embarrassment. "Well? Are you going to tell me?" Zoe asks, finally. "White roses," he mutters, blushing furiously and cursing Zoe, Wash, Simon, and himself impartially. He gets no reply and after a second risks a glance at Zoe's face. She is staring at him. "What?" "My god," she says. "You're in love with that boy." "*What?* Where do you get that from?" "White roses," she says flatly. "You've thought about it. You, Malcolm Reynolds. You've actually thought about what kind of..." She shakes her head. "And I thought Jayne buying apples for everyone was mind-blowing." Mal sinks further into his chair. "It'll get easier," Zoe offers. Mal guesses he must look pretty pathetic if she's trying to make him feel better instead of enjoying his suffering. "He's planning to leave." "Never happen," she says immediately. "Yeah?" Mal asks bleakly. "Why's that?" "He fits here. Just like the rest of your freaks. We all fit here, and we don't fit nowhere else." "Freaks is harsh. Especially considering you're one of them." "Think about the people on this boat, and then tell me freaks is too harsh." "Didn't say *too* harsh. We are talking about Jayne here." "And my husband." "I didn't say a thing." "Only because I got there first." "Yeah. Well." "Well?" "Maybe you're right," he says. "He's not going anywhere." They both fall silent, watching the stars as the ship creeps through space. Persephone gets closer one slow mile at a time. ------- ..end.. Continue to Seven Seeds. home * fandoms * firefly * top